Dealing with Disappointment
I just read an online news article about a northern Illinois school that takes the stress out of prom for its kids. For the past 83 years, the girls at Aquin Central High School haven't had to worry about whether or not they'll be asked to prom. The boys haven't had to worry about whether or not the girl they are inviting will say yes. The boys draw envelopes out of a bingo dispenser, and whichever girl's name is in the envelope is their date for prom. If there are uneven numbers of boys and girls, then some people may find themselves with two dates. I'm not saying I advocate something like that - the system seems to have its good points as well as its bad points. But I find it an interesting concept.
It makes me think about how, as parents, we long to protect our kids from disappointments. When a toddler has his feelings hurt because the "big kids" exclude him from their games, you can' t help but feel sorry for him. Your heart breaks for the kid who's picked last for the kickball game at recess. You don't want your kid to be the only one left out of a party or a sleepover. You hate to see them cut from a team. And, when they get older, you don't want them to suffer the heartbreak of being a wallflower.
So how far is it appropriate to go to save your kids from disappointments? Obviously moms like Wanda Holloway, the Texas woman who decided to improve her daughter's chances of making the cheerleading squad by hiring a hit man to take out the mother of one of the competition, was over-the-top. And, as a less extreme example, I won't fall for my kids' argument that I should by them more Webkinz because everyone else has more and, in particular, they know a family that has over 60. But when a friend recently had to figure out how to deal with her preteen daughter when she was quite visibly left off the invitation list for a party all her friends were going to, I couldn't help but empathize with her efforts to make sure her daughter had an even more enjoyable evening than the party-goers did.
So... how to decide when to intervene and when to allow some disappointment to enter into our kids' lives to build a little character?!?
It makes me think about how, as parents, we long to protect our kids from disappointments. When a toddler has his feelings hurt because the "big kids" exclude him from their games, you can' t help but feel sorry for him. Your heart breaks for the kid who's picked last for the kickball game at recess. You don't want your kid to be the only one left out of a party or a sleepover. You hate to see them cut from a team. And, when they get older, you don't want them to suffer the heartbreak of being a wallflower.
So how far is it appropriate to go to save your kids from disappointments? Obviously moms like Wanda Holloway, the Texas woman who decided to improve her daughter's chances of making the cheerleading squad by hiring a hit man to take out the mother of one of the competition, was over-the-top. And, as a less extreme example, I won't fall for my kids' argument that I should by them more Webkinz because everyone else has more and, in particular, they know a family that has over 60. But when a friend recently had to figure out how to deal with her preteen daughter when she was quite visibly left off the invitation list for a party all her friends were going to, I couldn't help but empathize with her efforts to make sure her daughter had an even more enjoyable evening than the party-goers did.
So... how to decide when to intervene and when to allow some disappointment to enter into our kids' lives to build a little character?!?
Posted by Kris at 5/20/2009 7:36 AM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: bingo avoiding disappointment cheerleading left out wanda holloway aquin central high school cheerleader disappointment prom hit man aquin webkinz overprotective
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: bingo avoiding disappointment cheerleading left out wanda holloway aquin central high school cheerleader disappointment prom hit man aquin webkinz overprotective
I followed the link and see they turned it into a playful community event. I'd say the value isn't just saving kids disappointment - it's getting the whole school involved. From here, it looks like it turns the prom into a true community event. I suspect the benefits outweigh the limits. Creative.
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Hmmm, this comes under muddy waters. Just to comment on the prom thing, I'm not sure I go along with that. On the surface, it appears to be a fair thing, but how about those teens who are "going together" and yet won't have a magical prom because of a draw of names. Sure, they could always lump together once the get to the dance, but how magical for anyone is it to go to the prom with someone you don't really know? And, is that really helping to prepare a kid for all of life's disappointments?
As in your notation about the mother who had to "deal" with her preteen not getting the birthday invitation that everyone else got invited to - well, yes, that is a sad thing, but, life is not fair. I would never presume to call up the parent of a classmate of my child's and say, "Uh, you didn't invite my little girl and she's sad. Will you issue her an invitation?!" No, can't see doing that. Instead, what that mother should do is sit her child down and explain that she (the mother) is very sorry that her child wasn't invited, but that sometimes life doesn't play fair. She should have her daughter wish the birthday kid a happy birthday and let it go. When her child hears about what a "great" day it was and how much fun they had, she needs to put on a pleasant face and say that it certainly did sound like fun. If someone asks her why she wasn't there, she should be blunt and honest and say, "I wasn't invited." If pressed as to why not, she should say, "I don't know." This may sound very Pollyanna, but it is the preparation and grounding for life's later disappointments. As in when your boss passes you over for promotion to someone who you know is definitely not worthy of the position. Do you pout, do you run to the boss and demand that you get the promotion? I am afraid that might set you up for a firing instead.
Yes, we are all very sensitive to our children's feelings and want them to be just like everyone else and have fun with everyone else, but the world isn't going to treat them fairly or even nicely for the most part as we would or even as we want them to be treated. Learning to deal with disappointment at a young age is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your child. It's all part of this crazy game called life!
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Good question! The urge to protect is a hard one to fight, but is so necessary. How to decide what and when? Trust our gut instinct? Wish I had the answer...
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